Way way way back in the stacks of dust, dead and prayer books, and endless rambling epic poems, and other useless UFO information, with the centuries old bookworms no one has ever seen, and along with embossed fake Jesus images made in the 10th century by monks playing with the coffee stains, is the myth of the Egg that stands upright, only June 21 (the Apocalypse, no eclipse, no, no, Summer Solstice), only on the exact equator, only at exact high noon, all on it’s own. The more you want to replicate the trick, the more complex the conditions of moment always become, funny how that happens?
Well, I believe this trick originates out of ancient Egypt, it might just be the world’s oldest trick? The performer seems to be able to do this trick at will anywhere and any time, to everyone’s surprise and horror. How? Well by replicating all those completely impossible to humanly accomplish things at will, anywhere on the globe, just by being tapped in (special to God). Or by being the only sober man in the room. Or by spilling a little sand under the egg. It’s a sand trick! It’s those trying to explain the trick that keep piling on, and on, and on, to explain why it’s impossible- when clearly it is possible.
It’s always been the world stupidest trick!
In the modern world, the trick has evolved just a little tiny bit, in that sand was replace with a common table element (dust, rock, metal, whatever), called iodized table salt. But today the only one that is willing do the trick, are mischievous bartenders entertaining farsighted middle age people who aren’t getting laid tonight away, who have never heard of the world oldest, impossible, stupidest trick ever! I’m pressing that big 5o myself, you could even use kosher salt from the rim of my Margarita to fool me now, just shovel it down there. Hell, you could use a bag of rock salt on me now!
Salt is the world’s oldest preservative, they tell me. It must be, it’s kept this stupid trick alive!
What’s my point? Valerie Bertinelli is on the F’in cover AARP magazine!!! SOB- membership in AARP starts at 50, you know? Am I that old? Where are my glasses? I’ll be back in 20 minutes, unless this palming trick doesn’t work! Damn that old cougar looks good- I think? Maybe it does make you blind (eventually)? So do as I say, not as… And maybe drink some carrot juice.
Harold Stemple was a lonely old man, who took up with talking to his favorite cactus like he was a friend. At first the cactus tried to ignore this bizarre behavior, quite certain that at any moment the aged ape would begin tasting him for one reason or another. But alas head tilts and jesters did not bring about any attacks, though there were some close eye examinations, and some occasional shaking and flicking.
Day after day seem to start with the same routine, and after a while, the cactus actually started learning a word or two from the old man’s vocabulary. This did not add to cactus’s comfort level though, because this was still very bizarre behavior after all. So the cactus tried to turn away, only to discover that it was root bound, and therefore unable to do so. Once cacti can not talk, the favorite cactus tried to think his thoughts to the other cacti of just how lucky they all were not to be the target of this unwanted conversation. And he was absolutely right, the other cacti saw no need for him to try and talk to them, any more than having the water provider, talk to them. So they too, tried to turn their backs to him, only to find that they too were root bound and unable to do so, as well.
It should not be assumed that the unsocial behavior of the cacti made this an unhappy garden. It was a happy garden full of life and blooms. Although, the petunias always liked to be talked at, even by untrustworthy song birds. But Harold had nothing but obvious observation about them, he saved most of his conversation for his favorite antisocial cactus, to the jealously of the petunias which he was totally unaware of.
Pretty soon the cactus started to get smarter and think; “Good Harold morning. Pick me don’t up, and alone me!” He would try to telekinetic put into the human’s brain, to the entertainment and criticism of the other cacti, who as well were unaware of the fact that they were getting smarter too.
There is no point or end to this story. It’s only a ramble inspired by one of my favorite painters Carl Spitzweg, and all of his old men befriending cacti. Strangely if there is loneliness involved there a cactus involved in his paintings? My personal favorite is “Suspicious smoke” (not pictured here, but in the link), because if you’ve ever had a wildfire headed toward you, then you know why- it is a perfect representation of this kind of horrible event. Carl Spitzweg is kind of in the class of Norman Rockwell, in that many of his painting are kind of comical illustrations of people. Even if you don’t find them particularly funny, they are complicated enough to entertain me for hours, unlike Mr. Rockwell who actually bores me. It is a worthwhile waste of an hour or two to look up Carl Spitzweg Paintings on Wikimedia Commons.
You have to be a real Douglas Adams NERD, to get that one! Yes unfortunately, that would describe me. Oolon Colluphid first controversial book listed in his fictitious trilogy was “Where God Went Wrong”- which seemed to be a good starting point in talking about how Disney Screwed the Pooch on the Hitch Hicker’s Guide to the Galaxy Movie.
The first time I watched it, I thought to myself, once I was alone at the time and had no one to listen; A wholly unremarkable and forgettable film. Well that and; What the hell kind of design was that for Marvin? However the second time I watched it, I must have paid it some attention- because it blew great big rabbed chunks, and didn’t make any sense? It pissed me off! Read the books, please, please, please, read the damn books! Even watch the BBC TV series before bothering with this Disney Crap!!!
Oh I’m not done, far from it!
Things Disney can’t comprehend:
Someone really having a BAD Thursday!
He looses a girl.
He looses his home.
He looses his lifestyle.
He looses his planet.
And he looses that simple pleasure of any civilized Englishman, TEA!
Ultimately, he looses his place in time!
The Guide is not a “Hi Ho, hi ho, off to work we go.” yet another happy story, even though it is full of deep belly laughs. It’s about LOSS, even the dignity of being one’s self, but that recovers rather quickly, as improbable as that might be.
Though it is ‘Mostly Harmless’ ( <== WARNING: READ THIS BOOK LAST- the ending really is THE ENDING!)
Sorry but "So long, and Thanks for all the fish!" I think fell out of the list of books above. But it was a rather disappointing book (#4) as well, a filler of questions only the biggest nerds would ever pester him about. Still worth the read, but not the best. As well as being the corrupter of a perfectly fine Trilogy!
So let's put them in order so you can read them the right way, should you decide not to read the Ultimate Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy (which has them all in one book):
Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Restaurant At the End of the Universe
Life, the Universe and Everything
So long and thanks for all the fish
Mostly Harmless
Now I’ll admit, that I’ve not read Salmon Of Doubt, or Starship Titanic. I did read both of the Dirk Gently books, and really like “Long Dark Tea Time of Soul”- I seem to be the only one on that, which I just don’t understand. I’ve read it several times, because I do enjoy it so much. I have no idea why other’s have found it so disappointing?
Today, with 3G and 4G devices, and iPads, the whole concept is not what it was in 1978. The device of the Hitch Hiker’s Guide has been a reality for almost a whole generation, thanks to the Internet. So that part of the book is dated, and has been for a very long time. However, if I had been the producer of the movie, the whole movie would have been framed within the device, and operated by something slimy with tentacles.
Besides, I would have left Trillian as the unrequited love interest. And never gone on the quest for that completely stupid (add on) gun- WTF? REALLY, WTF? What was the point of stealing Zaphod’s other head, I would think he might want that back before dinner!
The only part I did like from the movie was that Deep Thought had become obsessed with watching Television. It does make a little more sense than watching digital watches, but it was 1978 after all. I watched my digital watch quite a bit, back then.
What really pisses me off about this Movie, is that it took every good joke from the book, and totally blew it!
Read the damn book, and find out how an automatic door can become the bane of a depressed robot, yourself!
The greatest loss of all, is the wit of Douglas Noel Adams! I’m not going to accuse the Disney writers of killing him, though I feel I should. But there is a warning in his last days; If you’re feeling under the weather, for no really good reason, and you’re middle aged, please don’t think a work out at the local gym is a good idea- see your doctor instead!
Unfortunately, John Houston, and Robert Altman are both dead. They are the only two, that I can think of, that could have pulled the Guide off on film, because of their understanding and respect for content. Guys forget CGI and making the perfect looking film- rediscover character, and the drama of just being alive!
Hitch Hiker’s is not the perfect story, but it should be fun, and funny! Disney Imagineers blew the jokes, almost every one of them! Why did you kill the mice, and return the Dolphins? Clearly, it was a big mistake to come down from the trees in the first place.
UPDATE: I did think of someone (living) who I would have trusted to direct/complete this film, even after Doug died: Herold Ramis. It would have been funny, cleaver, and on spot, and I’ll bet Marven would have been back in the shop to be retooled too!
If you still want a movie that Dad will like today (father’s day), get Caddy Shack, or the Blues Brothers, Popeye, or the 5th Element. These are true classics, which Hitch Hiker’s should have been, but isn’t.
Yes, it’s the right place! I’m still here. I just changed the theme, and did some polish to some articles (so make sure to read them all, even the really, really old ones- ha, ha!). That’s right, nothing here is carved in stone!
Those who know me, know that sooner or later, I’ll have a fit of neatness, and chop these posting down to just the best 25 or so. So if you’re soaking me in, do it fast, or slow- you know I love to procrastinate.
To find Venus, and who’s not looking for her? You’ll have to work your way to the bottom. I got a comment on ‘Stones of Years’, in my spam filter, that made no sense as so much spam doesn’t. It was just very strange that it would have been posted from such a lost and lonely page?
This isn’t my particular favorite theme, it needs some work. But it was the best one I found at dynamically sizing itself to the articles and the screen size. Of coarse, to be honest, I haven’t given that a good test yet, either. But at my get a microscope to read this screen resolution, it looks good, as long as nobody bumps my elbow, to make the slide skip, that is. Dumb dog!
Lately, I have been on a kick about Natural Selection, which we know is so very popular with all of you (not). But it’s a topic that’s just been on my mind a lot, lately, just because it keeps coming up, even though it bores most of you to death.
I want to talk about the Hitch Hiker’s Guide, and DNA (Douglas Adams), and that stupid Disney Movie. I’ve have quite a rant built up on that. It is strange that one of the world funniest writers ever, would have written so many stories that just don’t have much longevity to them, due to no fault of their own. Just ever changing technology, and let’s face it, Hollywood rip offs. Anyway, that’s on mind, but you know how well these things make it to my blogs… so pardon me if I get side tracked, and forget.
My lost point; as if that’s unusual, is that I was going to add a category called “Life, the Universe, and Everything”, which will not be about Douglas Adams or his works. But rather, things I find interesting about Life, the Universe, and Everything (…there in, both physical and theoretical). The boring stuff!
I have changed something you might not notice here. The ‘Recent Posts’ on the right, now list 10 articles, rather than 5. It didn’t make sense to me, to list what shows up on just the first page, particularly since the second page often has my own personal favorite observations that have scrolled away to never, never land.
Is it just me, am I the only one, that actually hates Father’s Day? I hate every ad for Grad and Dad, EVERY SINGLE DAMN ONE OF THEM! Showering gifts on Mom, and showing her that she’s special, is different.
I normally like to window shop my newspaper for electronics and gadgets. But I bore in 2 1/2 seconds with $1500 and up TV Sets. Because, I hate TV! There’s only one show for men on it, TopGear. And I sure as hell don’t need wall sized, 3D machine to enjoy that. More like a set of rabbit ears, on an old b&w will work fine.
Everybody thinks I need home theater, had better think again! Every movie these days are all comic books. LAME! I’m a grown man, not a sniffling dork! That is, I’m a market lost.
Speaking as a man, even if I were a father, I don’t want any gifts. A safe and happy family is all a man wants! Big screens aren’t the path to happiness, it’s the crowd of friends and family around them that is, and the joy of lazy cheap entertainment! But nobody makes the drive, even today, for a common big screen- so guy’s learn to make Pulled Pork, and work for their love on Father’s day.
Reconstruction will take years, and many gifts... keep giving!
BP wants you to think the (out of control) oil spill is just an accident. It never should have happened, and was avoidable! My whole heart bleeds for the Gulf Coast, this Summer!
The Gulf will get cleaned up. But I would like to remind you that Haiti is one of the poorest nations on earth, who still needs your help!
